Wow. Okay where do I start?
Scores were posted today. I got a text from Haley, and ran to the computer, trembling as I logged in to check my grades. So you know, grades work differently in the UK. Here, failing is below 50, distinction is above 70 and is very hard to do, and most students score between mid 50′s to high 60′s, I would say. Also, I was told that I am allowed to fail two courses per year, as long as I didn’t go below 40, and as long as my average at the end of the year is above 50.
Foundations of Finance Theory – 40
Advanced Mgmt Accounting – 56 or something
Advanced Corporate Financial Information – 63
Statistics – 38
Statistics – 38. My heart dropped. I threw some clothes on, brushed my teeth, and raced up to campus to see my personal tutor, hoping there would be something we could do.
I don’t know why, but apparently I’m okay. I was assured multiple times that I’m still on track for the MSc, NOT the diploma – which is worthless, really. But here’s the deal: I have to get above 50% in all of my classes this time, or I will not be eligible to write a dissertation or get the degree. And this semester is going to be tougher than last.
He gave me another option. Depending on how I feel, I can withdraw by the 31st, take a year off, get well, and come back and finish next year. He strongly encouraged me to think about this. He wants me to make sure I’m taking care of my health and not making the MSc the priorty over my health. He struggles with depression himself, and warned me that he’s FELT up to the task with things before, but then wasn’t physically or mentally able to succeed, and all it does is make things worse in the end. He understands that if he were sitting where I am right now, he would choose to continue. However, at the ripe old age of 50 and looking back, he’d take the year off. But he acknowledges that he doesn’t know all about how I feel and where I’m at, so the choice is mine to make.
So. Right now, I’m about 90% in the stay in Edinburgh and finish the damn degree camp. I’ve got so much stuff planned for this spring. And I really do feel better than before. Also, I think that part, if not most, of my depression stemmed from so much major change that happened in a short period of time. At this point, I’ve gotten comfortable and happy with my location, and am starting to think about, and look forward to, settling down. If I left now, uprooted again, and went back to the states, and then came back again a year later, it might only be detrimental.
The course material though. I’m already struggling, mostly with Research Methods, which is an extension of statistics and central to my dissertation. I need to hire a tutor who can work with me several hours each week. I’ve been directed to contact the two professors and ask for a meeting, and see if they can recommend someone, or suggest anything else to help. I have emailed them, but am scared for the meeting. One of the professors is the girl that Haley said she’d hate to run into in a dark alley, and the other is not much more sympathetic.
It’s going to be a LOT, a LOT of work. Basically, I’ve got my shows planned, I’ve got a friend or two coming to visit, and I think that might have to be it. The weekends in the highlands are probably out. And, unfortunately, any romantic involvement it is going to have to wait also. But overall, I am happy that I have this chance to stay here. Another chance to succeed, to show I can do it. To be in the place I’m growing to love more all the time. I’ll still think about the year off, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already decided to stay.
Changing subjects a bit. Tonight I went to the show by Barrule, the band I met in Skye last weekend. It was tiny, only around 30 people were there. They. Were. Amazing! They had told me they played the fiddle, accordian, and something called a bazooki, and I was a wee bit skeptical. But oh. It was some of the most beautiful celtic music I’ve heard. I bought TWO cd’s, so I could send one home to my family.
Afterwards, we went to a bar. I stayed for one drink, and chatted with the band and a friend or two of theirs. They are SO nice! They were telling everyone the crazy story of how we met each other last weekend. We talked about the music, their families, where they lived, etc. I said I wanted to visit the Isle of Man, and they gave me their contact info so they could hook me up! One even offered to show me around! They said there is a celtic music festival in mid-July, and I reeeaally want to go now.
After an hour or so I said goodbye. They were so nice and so awesome!! As soon as I can, I’ll check out the CD and find a link to embed so you can hear them. Seriously, my heart soared while in that room listening to them. It was like a spiritual experience for me. This is the kind of thing that reminds me why I chose to be in this part of the world. It gets at me like nothing else does.
Which is why it’s 11:30 p.m. and I’m at the business school. I plan to stay until at least noon tomorrow morning, working. Studying stuff you don’t understand sucks. But I love learning. Imma do this!!
You’ve got this, Cal, I know it! Just take it one day at a time
Thanks Alsy-pal. Love you sis.
Love this! I can pretty much feel your hope and optimism and I think sometimes that counts for a lot. I’m so happy for you. I know you can do this.
Thanks Lyndsie! You’re so sweet! I appreciate the encouragement!
First of all, congratulations on doing well enough to stick around. That’s great. Second, I think the choice to stay makes sense. I like the theory you pose that “part, if not most, of my depression stemmed from so much major change that happened in a short period of time.” Love, spirituality, career, home–you’ve been through a lot. Uprooting yourself right now would just create more unnecessary turbulence in your life. Third, given the decision to remain where you are, I think you can do it so long as you remember one thing: focus.
I read something the other day that made me think of you. Here’s the link: http://lifehacker.com/5978171/why-you-need-more-margin-in-your-life-and-how-to-get-it . I like how the writer of the article explains the concept of lacking margin: “One of the more common problems with driven people is a lack of margin. They cram their schedules so full of activities and busyness that their emotional, physical, and spiritual health suffers.” You are a driven person with great goals and aspirations, but to accomplish great things requires focus, and this is helped along by creating a sufficient margin within your life.
Anyway, you can read the article, but there are some things in particular you will find helpful. Pay attention to your energy levels–I think that’s important. Learn when your body is on and when it is off–take advantage of that knowledge. Get more sleep. Granted, I’m only going off your narrative here, but you really don’t seem to have the most effective sleep schedule.
I know, it sucks. Personally, I hate sleep. I’ve always dreamed about how productive I could be if I just didn’t have to sleep. But sleep is key. Too little sleep, erratic sleep, irregular sleep, inconsistent sleep–it’ll kill you. It influences your mood, your thoughts, everything you do. I’m sure it would help with the depression positively. Recently I’ve taken steps to tame my own sleep behavior so I’m a master and not a slave to it. In my case, I bought a one of those alarms with a wake-up light that mimics the effect of a natural sunrise. I’m waking up more refreshed and alert now. So yeah, I’m not trying to lecture, but I think you’d benefit a ton by picking a consistent, adequate sleep schedule and sticking with it. What else? Limiting social media–I think you figured that one out yourself.
Basically, I think you have the right idea. You’re smart. You’re capable. You can do this. Create the conditions for yourself to succeed, and you will. I’ve mentioned before that I’m on a parallel path to you in some ways, and I’ve been facing these same difficulties. I know what I want to do–what I have to do. And I’ve been lining things up to make sure it happens, so all these little, peripheral distractions from my goal will fade into the background and allow me to focus. Since I like quotes, I’ll leave with some more to motivate you on your path. I think they apply to you.
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” –Joseph Campbell (American mythologist, writer, and lecturer)
“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson (American essayist, lecturer, and poet)
“Who honors those we love with the very life we live? Who sends monsters to kill us, and at the same time sings that we’ll never die? Who teaches us what’s real, and how to laugh at lies? Who decides why we live, and what we’ll die to defend? Who chains us, and who holds the key to set us free? It’s you. You have all the weapons you need. Now fight!” –Sweet Pea (character in the film Sucker Punch)
P.S. You’ve talked about meditation before, and I think that’s very beneficial, too. The tricky part is that meditation can be a fuzzy practice to put into action. My dad is a teacher of a well-known standardized form called Transcendental Meditation (TM). They normally charge a couple thousand dollars to teach it, but the basic technique is quite simple. Twice a day, take 15 to 20 minutes to sit in an upright position. Then just repeat a simple, one-syllable sound in your head, like “im” or “een.” That’s it. My dad ascribes a lot of spiritual aspects to it that I don’t really agree with, but–when done consistently over time–the scientific results behind it are rather amazing in terms of physical and mental benefits. In this kind of space, I can’t really elaborate more than that. Sorry, that’s kind of a random comment, but there you have it. =)
RMA – thank you for another of your thoughts. Do you keep a blog because you totally could and it would be great.
I liked the article, it made some very good points. Some of my classmates – the Chinese in particular – think I play way too much and don’t study enough. I know this is partly because they come from a whole different place both literally and figuratively, but also I just know that I have to once in awhile to keep my head straight… concerts for example, are kind of my thing and they make me happy and give me something to look forward to.
But certainly, I could benefit from some focus, as you say. ESPECIALLY in the sleep area. I did not know they made clocks like that. What are they called or where can I find one?? It sounds fantastic.
I need to schedule meditation in as well as sleep. I read about the scientifically-shown benefits and they look amazing. Your dad’s work sounds very interesting. Do you meditate as well?
I LOVE THE QUOTES. The end.
Thanks again.
I’m glad to be of help. I don’t have a blog myself, but I appreciate the encouragement.
As far as what your classmates say, I think it comes down to another one of those key life principles: balance. People aren’t machines. We can’t just toil away and produce widgets or whatever with no fun in between. You can have focus yet provide for balance by widening your margins enough to keep you sane and happy, such as with your concert habit.
Yeah, the sleep thing–sorry if I came down hard on you about that. It’s kind of stuck out like a sore thumb in your posts. I think it would make you feel tons better, though. Sleep is a judicious accountant. For years I’ve tried to cheat it. But every time I think I can steal away a credit in my favor, the sleep accountant comes back with an equal and opposing debit to balance the books. Yeah, that was a nerdy accounting metaphor for you–sweetness.
And yes, they do make wake-up lights. I’ll be honest, they’re not super cheap. I got mine from Amazon last week. It’s the Philips HF3510 ( http://www.amazon.com/Philips-HF3510-Wake-Up-Light-White/dp/B0093162QS/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1359602946&sr=8-3&keywords=wakeup+light ). Philips also makes the HF3470, which is less expensive and even better rated ( http://www.amazon.com/Philips-Hf3470-Wake-up-Light-White/dp/B003XN4RIC/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1359602946&sr=8-1&keywords=wakeup+light ). I don’t know if you can even order from Amazon in Scotland, though. Anyway, just search on the Internet for “wake up light.” Philips is a good brand for these, but maybe there are some good deals to be found. You can read the reviews to see how people feel, but I can say it really has worked well for me so far.
You see, I have this theory that I call the Caveman Hypothesis. The basic idea is that everything else living on earth doesn’t need an instruction manual for how to live, how to survive, what to eat, what is good and not good for it, and so on. Animals don’t need to exercise or be taught nutrition, for example. They instinctively know how to take care of themselves. Humans are just a more complex living thing, but existing within the walls of civilized society has divorced us from our natural instincts.
Often we can make things better for ourselves, I believe, if we get in touch with how we would function in our natural environment. In the case of sleep, think about how people without artificial shelter would do it–outdoors and based on sunlight. Indoors, however, we can often be deprived of that natural cue. I don’t know about you, but when I wake up in the dark–like during the winter months–I feel so horrible and groggy. I’ve found that the wake-up light effectively tricks my body by using its own natural mechanisms, and I wake up feeling vibrant, clear, and energized to tackle the day ahead. Okay, so that’s enough on that.
With meditation, yes, it has to be scheduled or at the very least turned into a daily habit to make it work. You have to make sure you do it consistently over time, or else you won’t accrue the benefits. Of course, that’s like anything, right? Exercising, studying, eating right . . . I like to say that nothing good and worthwhile ever comes without incremental, sustained effort over time. With TM, that means twice a day for 15 to 20 minutes.
My dad is an interesting guy and has had a ton of different jobs over his life. He got into TM early on, moved away from it, and only recently has returned to it–his first love. Do I do it? Okay, I confess: Every time I see my dad, he almost always asks us kids, “Have you been meditating?” I did it throughout my teens, and I totally experienced the benefits. The most clear one to me even today is that life’s troubles were just smoothed out and seemed to gracefully roll off my shoulders. I miss that. But then I got busy with “life ‘n’ stuff,” and I kept telling myself I’d start meditating. But like many other things in our lives that we know are good for us, telling ourselves “I’ll do it tomorrow or next week” becomes “I’ll do it in a decade.” But this is the year things change.
Like I’ve said before, I’m putting things in place and making changes in my life to accomplish my goals, and consistent meditation is on my list. If all goes according to plan, my grand scheme actually begins next week. I’m sitting at a crossroads right now. My one big success lately was that three months ago I began doing strength training four times a week, and I haven’t allowed myself to miss a single session in all that time. I’ve gained almost 20 pounds of muscle so far, and the transformation I see in my body when I look in the mirror just stuns me. (Note: I’m not trying to become a muscle head or anything, just fit, toned, and healthy.)
It comes down to not allowing yourself to make excuses. I feel tired tonight–too bad. I’ll get to it next week–no you won’t. I have a thing to do–so what? Just do it. I think the other technique that has worked for me is taking things a week at a time. If I got caught up in the big goal over the long horizon, the lack of progress in the short term would become demotivating. But when I look at the week view–this week I just have to exercise four times and gain one pound of muscle–that I can do. Do it 20 individual weeks in a row like that, and it makes a big impact. It’s that slow, incremental progress over time that adds up to big gains in the long run.
Look at me, I’ve gone on and on again . . .
Ha ha, no problem. I will try to find a lamp, and good luck with your weight training!