Wow. Okay where do I start?
Scores were posted today. I got a text from Haley, and ran to the computer, trembling as I logged in to check my grades. So you know, grades work differently in the UK. Here, failing is below 50, distinction is above 70 and is very hard to do, and most students score between mid 50′s to high 60′s, I would say. Also, I was told that I am allowed to fail two courses per year, as long as I didn’t go below 40, and as long as my average at the end of the year is above 50.
Foundations of Finance Theory – 40
Advanced Mgmt Accounting – 56 or something
Advanced Corporate Financial Information – 63
Statistics – 38
Statistics – 38. My heart dropped. I threw some clothes on, brushed my teeth, and raced up to campus to see my personal tutor, hoping there would be something we could do.
I don’t know why, but apparently I’m okay. I was assured multiple times that I’m still on track for the MSc, NOT the diploma – which is worthless, really. But here’s the deal: I have to get above 50% in all of my classes this time, or I will not be eligible to write a dissertation or get the degree. And this semester is going to be tougher than last.
He gave me another option. Depending on how I feel, I can withdraw by the 31st, take a year off, get well, and come back and finish next year. He strongly encouraged me to think about this. He wants me to make sure I’m taking care of my health and not making the MSc the priorty over my health. He struggles with depression himself, and warned me that he’s FELT up to the task with things before, but then wasn’t physically or mentally able to succeed, and all it does is make things worse in the end. He understands that if he were sitting where I am right now, he would choose to continue. However, at the ripe old age of 50 and looking back, he’d take the year off. But he acknowledges that he doesn’t know all about how I feel and where I’m at, so the choice is mine to make.
So. Right now, I’m about 90% in the stay in Edinburgh and finish the damn degree camp. I’ve got so much stuff planned for this spring. And I really do feel better than before. Also, I think that part, if not most, of my depression stemmed from so much major change that happened in a short period of time. At this point, I’ve gotten comfortable and happy with my location, and am starting to think about, and look forward to, settling down. If I left now, uprooted again, and went back to the states, and then came back again a year later, it might only be detrimental.
The course material though. I’m already struggling, mostly with Research Methods, which is an extension of statistics and central to my dissertation. I need to hire a tutor who can work with me several hours each week. I’ve been directed to contact the two professors and ask for a meeting, and see if they can recommend someone, or suggest anything else to help. I have emailed them, but am scared for the meeting. One of the professors is the girl that Haley said she’d hate to run into in a dark alley, and the other is not much more sympathetic.
It’s going to be a LOT, a LOT of work. Basically, I’ve got my shows planned, I’ve got a friend or two coming to visit, and I think that might have to be it. The weekends in the highlands are probably out. And, unfortunately, any romantic involvement it is going to have to wait also. But overall, I am happy that I have this chance to stay here. Another chance to succeed, to show I can do it. To be in the place I’m growing to love more all the time. I’ll still think about the year off, but I’m pretty sure I’ve already decided to stay.
Changing subjects a bit. Tonight I went to the show by Barrule, the band I met in Skye last weekend. It was tiny, only around 30 people were there. They. Were. Amazing! They had told me they played the fiddle, accordian, and something called a bazooki, and I was a wee bit skeptical. But oh. It was some of the most beautiful celtic music I’ve heard. I bought TWO cd’s, so I could send one home to my family.
Afterwards, we went to a bar. I stayed for one drink, and chatted with the band and a friend or two of theirs. They are SO nice! They were telling everyone the crazy story of how we met each other last weekend. We talked about the music, their families, where they lived, etc. I said I wanted to visit the Isle of Man, and they gave me their contact info so they could hook me up! One even offered to show me around! They said there is a celtic music festival in mid-July, and I reeeaally want to go now.
After an hour or so I said goodbye. They were so nice and so awesome!! As soon as I can, I’ll check out the CD and find a link to embed so you can hear them. Seriously, my heart soared while in that room listening to them. It was like a spiritual experience for me. This is the kind of thing that reminds me why I chose to be in this part of the world. It gets at me like nothing else does.
Which is why it’s 11:30 p.m. and I’m at the business school. I plan to stay until at least noon tomorrow morning, working. Studying stuff you don’t understand sucks. But I love learning. Imma do this!!