Sky over Edinburgh

Well, the job fair was probably not worth the time – the reps for ACCA and ICAEW weren’t even at their booths! I waited around for awhile and then left, couldn’t take the high heels any longer (I’m out of practice!!). But I did talk to a different company that has a training vacancy in tax, in Glasgow.  I’ll go ahead and apply for that tomorrow. I’m just a little unsure about putting myself back into tax, as once I had left I’d sworn I’d never go back. BUT, three years of guaranteed employment in Glasgow does sound rather amazing. It’s only one vacancy and I’m just one person though, an international one at that, but it’s probably still worth giving a try.

Haley and I met this evening for about an hour and caught up. She wanted to take me for a celebratory drink (for having finished with exams), so sweet!

I stopped at Tesco for dinner on the way home, and was met with this sight upon walking outside. I think an audible “oooh” actually came out of my mouth.

The sky over Edinburgh this evening:

Get healthy and get it together

Today has been much better. I slept only one hour last night, but this morning I nailed that exam to wall! And, I’m done with all MSc coursework!!

Immediately after the exam, I hit Princes Street looking for a suit to wear to the recruitment fair tomorrow, and found one fairly easily, thank goodness. I was also able to get a few other items for the trip, and make it back to the gym in time for a meeting with my personal trainer.

Now, the last two-three days have been a hodgepodge of negativity – the adrenaline from that falling out with a classmate wore off and then I just felt beat down and worn out, and then I got angry again about all sorts of things – basically had myself a right proper pity party, of which my mom got the ear full (sorry mom, thanks for being patient).

So during the meeting, in order to try and figure out WHY I’ve been so stubbornly unsuccessful at getting in shape, he started asking questions, and picked and picked until he got right at the heart of my issues and I bawled, but we calmly discussed. Pretty much, he helped me see that I do have the strength to do this and I’ve shown it over the past several years, and I have to make up my mind once and for all that I’m going to do it.

I don’t know why, but I feel so much better about it now – like this can be something to enjoy, rather than something I have to do if I want to look better. Also, we are going to make sure that me losing weight isn’t going to put a temporary, superficial fix on my issues and leave me still feeling blah, but that by dealing with my issues, looking better will be something to be proud of and celebrated. I hope that makes sense in my words. Sure there’s been a lot of growth and change in the past two years, but at the end I still feel like I haven’t quite enough energy to deal with life, and I’ve mentioned that several times over the past handful of years, even before the “great divide.” I think this is going to be key in turning all of that around, and getting back to where I once was, mentally & emotionally, or better. In the physical sense, definitely better.

And it’s going to happen a day at a time: today, I didn’t eat until late afternoon, after my training meeting, but then I ate healthy, and went for a jog.

Oh! And he gave me some homework. I’m to find a hobby I can use as a reward for doing well, something that makes me excited. Gotta think on that one.

Now to fix up the CV.

Not for me, and gladly

Today I posed a question to my friend Rain (who just got accepted to Oxford, go Rain!): “In your time at Uni of Edinburgh, have you found that people are more likely to help others because they want everyone to succeed, or that people are more likely to NOT help (by hoarding information, etc.) because they want others to do worse than themselves?”

There has been a reason for this year. That was the general gist of the last post. So, what if the newest, most prominent thought in my head about what that reason is, is that I think The Business World Is Not For Me? Oops, am I allowed to admit that after spending $60,000 on a business degree?

I must have been lucky in my prior education and employments to have worked in environments where help and information are shared freely for the benefit of all. Since I’ve been at the University of Edinburgh Business School, I have noticed a different trend. Excepting the very few, like Haley, people are more apt to do something, or NOT do something to help someone else (i.e. withhold information, etc.), in order to decrease that person’s chance of succeeding, because it will put themselves in a better position. I started out just happily taking things at face value, but grew to be more suspicious and read the meaning behind people’s actions. It’s in the little instances of things I’ve been seeing all year.

Rain’s answer to my question? “Hmm.. Well I think I’ve seen 50/50. Certain types of people will do that, but I think that’s business culture. Sadly.”

Over the past few weeks, it’s been happening directly to me, unbeknownst to me until this morning. In my fiery reaction, I called them out on it. And was basically told that I’m an unmotivated, foolish asshole. I’m sorry, but when I ask for help and you withhold, and then I get upset about it when I find out, you don’t get to talk down to me.

So now, that network is severed, but you know what? I don’t care. I have realized a few things:

1) I am absolutely unwilling to do that to someone else
2) I refuse to work with people who are
3) This may put me at odds with most of the business world

I don’t care. I simply cannot and will not spend my life that way. If that means I have to find something else to do with my life, then so be it. I am so angry right now. Well, now that I’m armed with appropriate knowledge, I’m going to study my brains out for this exam and kick ass. I will not be left in the dust in the wake of skinny, holier than thou, inexperienced English asshole, who knows absolutely nothing about me.

And then, I’ll start thinking about other paths to take.

Calm

Last night I invited CB over and he stayed until around 2 today. Then I met another friend for a quick drink and then headed to uni, where I stayed with Haley until I’d gotten through a review of all ten lectures for my final exam. I’ll just get up early and organize a bit more before my study group meeting tomorrow.

As I was waiting at the bar for my friend to arrive, I thumbed through some coursework and a folded letter fell out of my notebook. It’s been ten days since the hand-addressed envelope was slipped under my door, just minutes before leaving for the Shetlands. I’d felt neither elation nor sorrow upon reading it; I guess the separation happened in my mind long ago. However, today as I waited for my friend to arrive and saw that letter fall I suddenly had such a sense of calm – of just knowing I’m where I’m supposed to be.  (I’m sure there’s a word for that??) It took a good long while to come, and it’s been a rocky, albeit incredible year, and I know that the whole thing has been for the best, whatever happens going forward.

And M sent me a short message today and I AM SO EXCITED TO SEE HIM! I can’t wait for all the fun things we’re going to do and see together in just ONE WEEK! Yay! I miss him.

A celebratory beer and it’s back to work!

Yesterday’s event was to meet Haley and a few other classmates at the Pear Tree for a celebratory beer: they are done with exams. I stayed for about an hour, it was nice to chat.

The bartender remembered me from months ago, after I’d just gotten the tattoo on my ribs and had come in for a glass of wine. He remembered me being pale and shaky, and said it was me who’d scared him about getting a tattoo. He’d gotten one anyway though, a giant, colorful one on his upper arm, in remembrance of his dad. It was cool.

They were all planning to party and booze it up the night, but I headed home, wanting to get some things done here. On the way I stopped at a quirky looking jewelry store though, called Diggers. If/when Danielle comes, I’m definitely taking her here. I couldn’t resist these:

I ended up laying down around 7:30, intending to nap for an hour, and slept clear through ’til 7:30 this morning. Woo! So I’ve been up and at ‘em today.

Had a meeting with my dissertation advisor. It turns out, my topic, “the effect of preventive healthcare spending on the UK government budget over time” was too broad. Even too broad for a 3-yr PhD student. So, she helped me find a bunch of reading material, including a 175 page document on the structure of the Scottish healthcare system, so that I can see how everything works and try to narrow a topic down.  I still want to relate it to the budget though, since that’s what interests me.

She told me that it should include some statistical analysis, but that it doesn’t have to be completely statistics-based, as I’d previously thought, as long as the topic is still relevant and interesting. This is a huge relief to me. She also said it’s okay to feel confused and overwhelmed and if I didn’t, she’d think there was something wrong. And she was flexible about me going out of town with my friends in a few weeks. (Next weekend??? What tha where did the time go?) She’s SO NICE!! I’m so glad I got assigned to her.

So, now my job is to read read read – while studying for Wednesday’s exam – narrow the topic down, find, read, and prepare for the literature review, and fill out the basic structure: Intro, literature review, methodology, analysis, and conclusion, by our next meeting, June 6th. So this means I’ve got about two weeks.

In addition to this, I want to fix my CV (resume) and prepare for the job fair which is on the 23rd. And pick a day to go shopping so I have stuff for the trip. Looks like my work is cut out for me! Later gater.

Dinner with classmates

Two nights ago Sheena invited some classmates and me to her place for dinner.

At first I felt a little silly at gushing over how BIG her place is, especially for just one person, but then everyone else did too, even so far as to take pictures, so I thought what the hey, I will too.

The old-fashioned doorbell, connected to the front door by a string that runs through the wall.

A flat like that costs almost triple what I pay for my self-catered shoebox of a room in the city center. Nuts!

Also I will say it was the first time I’d seen her without her headpiece (which was off for just the few minutes before the men arrived). She is already beautiful when she wears it, but, it was the first time I can remember being dumbfounded because someone was so pretty. She’s like a real-life Disney princess, no joke.

She had made homemade salmon cooked with vegetables in tin foil and was so good, followed by indian take-out. I was the only American, and there was Sheena, Qatari, three Greek people, two Chinese, and one Polish. Conversation turned to medical emergency services in each of our countries, and I was shocked to hear of the sorry state that Greece’s is in, due to the financial crisis they’ve been in for some time now.

Often in Greece, emergency services will not show up if you call them, and if you go to a (free) public hospital, you will be told to go buy your own medical supplies and bring them back. And I’m told that whether or not you will be seen by a doctor often depends on the size of the envelope you slip him.  In Qatar, the situation is not dire like that of Greece, but much of it is based on who you know – your family connections, which run deep.

It made me so grateful to come from a place where, if you call emergency services, you KNOW they will be there, and within a reasonable amount of time. And if you go to the emergency room, you know they will have the resources to help you. It’s a security blanket that I’ve apparently taken for granted. How scary it would be to live somewhere where you don’t know what you will do if something happened. I think it is partially why the Greek people are trying so hard to find work here; they don’t want to go back to that situation. I am of course going to try to find work here too, but it also made me grateful that, if I don’t find work that allows me to stay in the UK, I still have a good, safe place to go home to. We are more blessed there than we (or at least I) realized!

Anyway, it wasn’t all dire talk; a good time was had as well. Someone brought a cake from Patisserie Valerie (on North Bridge yummm). The last time someone brought a cake for someone else’s birthday we didn’t have anything to cut it with, so someone used their university card. We had a knife this time but reminisced.

I know Sheena is very sad that everyone will disperse when summer’s over, if not sooner. I never got as attached, but it was my first time spending time with these guys outside of uni (excepting Sandy), and as we talked I noticed a familiar feeling – like that of sitting around, shooting the breeze with your family. It was nice. A very nice way to come back from holiday.

The gorse is in bloom

These pictures taken with my iPod on my jog around the Queen’s Dr trail at Holyrood Park.  I noticed the yellow flowers on the train home from Aberdeen; it’s everywhere and so pretty!

The gorse blossoms smell like suntan lotion, only sweeter and fresher, that’s the only way I can think to describe it. It permeates the trail and smells so good!

There are wild daffodils everywhere too. I should try to get photos of those.

Salisbury Crags